Waking up

I would just like to ramble a bit.

First, I would like to say that I think I have discovered what they call the master signifier in psychoanalysis, as to my life and my personality.

I know you’re all curious, so I will not keep it from you for long.

Of course it came to me in my native tongue, but to translate it, I would have to say ‘concerned’, or maybe a bit more weighted, ‘worried’.

It is remarkable that some 17 years ago, I had a girlfriend who was very special. She had a gift for reading people. And she once told me that the basic feeling she had with me, was that I was ‘tortured’. Tortured, worried, concerned. That basically sums it up.

And you know what, I think that I am right to be so.

Who wouldn’t be worried and tortured in the face of the current state of the world? The animals are disappearing, and the rest of the world is poisoned and sick. People are always growing in numbers, demanding more and more of the sick and depleted world we are already plundering way above her limits and carrying capacity.

Everywhere is war. Everything is corrupt.

And everyone is ever more buying all this plastic shit they don’t need and throw away after two months of playing with it.

I am concerned, I am worried.

I think the world, at least as far as our lifeform is concerned, is not going to last very long anymore. We are in the Anthropocene, and it is an age of extinction.

Our own extinction.

I am very tortured.

And you know what drives me even more crazy?

That you are not.

That you are waxing your cars and watching your televisions, taking the plane to some exotic resort to go lying on the beach sipping your exotic cocktails as if everything were just fine.

Splendid!

Aren’t we having a relaxed and jolly good time!

No worries at all!

And when you get home, you wax your car again, buy some more plastic toys to keep the kids quiet, drive an hour in a full traffic jam to your luxurious paperwork jobs, eat abundantly and expensively when you get home and watch some more television before you fall asleep without a worry in the world.

You know what gets me going?

That you are all sedated.

I tried to sedate my feelings of concern and worry and torture for years using lots and lots of weed. Marihuana.

But it just never went away. It was always there like a burning knot in my belly and an upwelling of tears in my eyes. And when I tried to speak my heart, I just shut down and felt like escaping it all and killing myself.

Which I tried once, cutting my wrists, but it didn’t work.

I still wonder why.

So I am worried, because my eyes are open, and I see just what is going on.

And I go nuts, because you are all sedated.

Sedated by your monthly paycheck and your winter ski resort. Your summer festivals and your bullshit talk shows. Your small talk and whether or not you have to fill up the car with gas this evening or rather tomorrow morning.

Yes, you are all normal. Because you have no complaints! You have no worries, you are not smoking tons of weed every day, you do not suffer from a burning knot in your stomach and you don’t constantly feel like crying desperately, just because of what you see is going on all around you, openly, what we are doing to the world, and for how long it can only last.

And what a shame it is.

What a disgrace it is.

What insanity!

You do not cry because you are crazy, you feel happy, you are content. Man, things are going well!

I am the one who cries because you are crazy, and I am the one in therapy, and I am the one going nuts because you’re all like ‘well, my Mother is getting raped in front of my eyes, but I am wondering whether I’m gonna have a cappuccino or a latte at Starbucks later’.

You are all so stupid, you are all so… absent?

Is it cowardice, a feeling of impotence, or are you really blind?

I can’t tell, all I see is that I feel like doing something, and no one is with me.

They’re all taking a leave, getting a plane, drinking their cocktails lying on the beach.

And the bosses, and the CEO’s, and the governors, and the presidents, they’re rubbing their hands.

For the media is doing a good job indoctrinating everyone and telling them just what they need to know to think the way they want them to think. The media is there to keep everyone from noticing anything. The media is there to keep the people from becoming informed. The media is there to keep the people asleep, to keep the sheeple blind, the media is there with the newest burger at McDonalds to keep the people sedated.

And isn’t life wonderful?

Why worry?

Why all these dark thoughts?

Are you sick?

Are you not feeling well?

Maybe you should seek help!

So you can be happy again, waxing your expensive car, eating your expensive dinner and for sure, wearing your expensive clothes.

And all the while thousands of people are starving to death each day, tons of oil are spilled into the oceans and jungles all the time, the air is getting so polluted that you have to wear a filter to breathe and people are dying from lung cancers because you cannot even see the other side of the street anymore in all of the smog. Our waste is dumped, dumped, dumped and we are acting like we’re not gonna run into it next time we take a walk to enjoy a bit of nature.

It is all wrong! All wrong! All wrong!

People are doing messed up things, and this is progress, and this is the way to a glorious future for mankind on this planet!

At least that’s what the media tells you.

And after all, what’s not to like?

Don’t you like the plane taking you to your exotic hotel, with all the bubbles and the all-you-can-eat buffets? Don’t you like just filling in some papers to have your own swimming pool, don’t you love your credit card that paid for the new furniture and the Porsche and Lamborghini you can wax?

Don’t you like it when it’s all so easy?

It’s easy, just go along with it, just play the game.

It’s all right.

Never mind that psychiatric patient with the burning in his belly and the despair burning in his eyes, too hot to cry, too stoned to talk. He’s sick. Don’t become like him.

Enjoy!

What a wonderful world!

We are living in great times!

So my girlfriend told me I was tortured, and this morning I found my master signifier, my most basic emotional identity, and it was that I was worried. I am concerned.

I have questions, I have doubts, and everyone gets a bit annoyed when I ask them.

They don’t wanna talk about it.

What’s the problem?

Why the questions?

Do you have a problem?

Do you have a problem with me?

Get help!

So I’m trying to get help, I’m trying to save the world. I am trying to save humanity. I am trying to say how our Mother loves us, and how the devil keeps us blind.

You don’t see it.

And I can’t keep from seeing it.

But don’t worry.

No don’t you worry.

There is nothing to be concerned about.

At least not unless your jet plane is delayed for departure.

Or they ran out of your favorite microwave dish at the supermarket.

Or maybe when you have to water your lawn a bit much because of the weather lately.

There will be signs, you will lose one certainty after another.

And will you wake up, when it is too late?

I have found my master signifier, but it does not solve shit.

I only goes to show, that I am different, that I clearly have a problem functioning in this world, and it doesn’t make me feel happy at all.

It just caused me to write, to ramble once again.

When will I shut up?

When will I just be happy?

Like everyone else.

Because I have a problem.

That’s for sure.

But you’re all right.

You’re all right.

Thank God!