Reunions

I was just thinking about high school. About how it was the last place where I have felt part of a group. My class.

There were a lot of nerds and dorks and idiots in my class, and there were only a few people I really liked and hung out with. But still, it was my class. The nerds and idiots were part of everyday life display, and there was a regularity and a predictability in everyday life that made things feel familiar.

Like home.

After high school, everyone split up, and college was far less familiar. There were only a few hours of classes every week, and you never got to see and hang out with your colleagues after hours.

Everyone had like their own friends. It didn’t feel like a home.

Still later, considering the working life, everyone leaves behind his college colleagues again, for making a career here and there, most often not too long and hardly ever forever in the same place.

Things change a lot.

There are no certainties.

This may sound Buddhist, but I am not seeing it in the way of a sacred and eternal truth, that should be liberating. I am saying things change too much, there is never a place we can call home, there is never a group of friends or colleagues that last us through the years.

This makes things uncertain, and very shallow and unstable.

Even romantic relationships are often like that.

Seeing my high school mates again at reunions, there is one impression that comes to me. They all set off to make it on their own. They all dumped their friends and went after their own self-interest. Their own desires, their own cravings, and now they keep them firmly in their grip, like they are holding their belly in a cramp they will never loosen from.

They just dropped all friends, chased the possessions, and hold on to these as if they were their lives.

So I was thinking, apart from getting the impression that such beings need a fuck up the ass, that it is a typical ego thing to be. Repressing the heart in favor of the desires of the mind, and being forever selfish and knowing only this obsession with getting ‘what I want’, ‘what I need to have’, ‘what I must have’.

It is a life of despair, and I think we are living on a very lonely planet, where everyone is just an island of self-interest, keeping away all sense of social belonging and responsibility, living just for their own sake, always calculating, always seeking the next shortcut to what they want now.

There is no love, there is only the cool cold calculation of the mind.

Like Judas sold Jezus for thirty pieces of silver, they sell out their friends and shut their hearts off, sealed tight, if only they can gain the worldly status and the material possession.

After a few of these reunions, I got the feeling that they are not really much about anything, and I no longer attend them.

So what is the ego and how does it function?

Well first it kills the love that is living and growing in the heart. It kills the blissful joy that is natural and universal.

The ego has its friend in the mind, it that which must be, in order for the joy to be set free again.

However, when we say our sexuality is repressed, this is exactly what we mean. It is basically always kept down, like a big light that can at most and at best shine a feeble ray through the occupational defenses of the shadow.

The light will never fully shine, as long as the sense of self, the body-image we are occupied with, remains in position. And that is all most people are occupied with. Equipped with, so to speak, making them… human.

So the soul is buried, the love is left behind, and in its place come the demands for ransom, in trade for some meager release of soul energy.

As long as we listen to this instance, we will never truly and fully know the eternal joy we are. Awareness, love, the heart.

And so, most people bury the light within and go out to seek fame, riches and success. They are seeking for that light in fact, but they never think of looking for it inside. They look for things that make them happy and fulfilled, but in chasing the mind’s desires, they remain hostage to the ego, which will never let them feel good and free as they are in essence.

In eternal truth.

So the high school nerds, they now have set off for that promised land of fame and glory, and they have all managed to get big fat wallets, some bitches and a kid or two, and they shine with self-satisfaction.

They eagerly share how successful and happy they are, and how full of themselves they feel. They could not be more happy and idiot.

So I feel kind of lost in these meetings. I feel lonely and desperate, and that is why I hate it and I won’t go anymore.

You see, the ego, it is basically pure aggression. It is the aggression killing the soul, darkening the light, banning our conscious spirit.

And the ego, according to psychoanalysis, finds a rationale for repressing awareness. That rationale is what is called the super-ego. And the super-ego is coming from our culture, our ways of dealing with things and surviving.

It is like the ego says, whom should I kill, and the super-ego says this one and that one. Whom should I suffocate, whom should I rape, whom should I keep from making an appearance? And the super-ego says this one, that one.

The super-ego is the rationale behind the repression, it is the logic behind the brutal crimes, the law behind the enforcement.

And the super-ego makes our disgusting insane habit of repression seem logical, even beneficial and positive, and it makes it rational and it turns a bunch of short-sighted, should we say blind, killers into beings that function in a social group, each repressing himself and repressing certain elements of the group as a group.

It makes the most antisocial being, the human primate, social.

It makes the most destructive being, the human primate, positive.

And it makes the most blind killer seem like a rational and good citizen.

So we only have our cultures, where we find, at the moment of the Oedipus, a law and regulation for killing our souls. And we function from the outside, from this social group, in a destructive direction towards our hearts, which we mercilessly murder and unforgivingly keep dead.

We kill what doesn’t support the cover for our murdering nature. And when we have murdered everything that does not support our cover, we hope to appear as beings who never kill.

Like eliminating witnesses so we would not be seen for who we are.

Like covering up our mistakes by making even more of them.

Who are we fooling?

There is no way our hostage will ever see the light of day again.

It is fear, that is the absolute master.

And I do not attend these meetings, not because I am antisocial, but because to me, a social bond based upon a senseless clinging has no meaning.

You see, in these times, what fills in the demand for an ego-rationale, a super-ego, I believe is the economy. It is materialism. It is money.

And it makes us ever more insane, starting wars for making profit and showing just how fearful we are that we will become destructive murderers again when we lose the gold foil of our beautiful cultures. We defend these cultures by being murderers, in the name of culture, and so we show that our culture really still didn’t succeed in making the wild truly civilized.

There is no civilization in human culture, there is no love and warmth in the social bond.

There are only isolated individuals, with their hearts kept shut and their minds on their money.

And the economists promise us, as long as we do this, everyone will be happy.

And I see a classroom full of nerds that have, so stereotypically typically, grown up in just this way.

Me, me, me, all I want and I am happy.

But love, I know not.

Friends, I have not.

Call me antisocial all you want, but I believe the true bond that binds all beings on this Earth, is the Great Mother of nature.

In nature, we are all connected. Nature is one beautiful and sensitive soul that feels and lives and breathes, and gives rise to millions of creatures, each of which she cradles, feeds and knows. And we are all connected. If something happens to the insects, it affects the birds. If something happens to the bees, it affects the crops. If something happens to me, it affects you and your cold cold heart.

We are all connected, through nature.

Not through culture.

Culture is just a gold leaf over our hopeless and endless aggression. It molds it into a certain form, a certain shape, but it does not resolve or transcend it. Culture thrives on death, it cannot make us free and alive within.

We must return to nature, we must find the powers of the heart, the smile on a baby’s lips, the burning that is in our passionate hips and the tears that come in melting with beauty.

We must return to our bodies, which are the homes of our souls. We must love ourselves and love our neighbor as ourselves. We must forego the killing and stand in peace. And we must love, love, love the Earth, because that is all She has ever wanted us to do.

And we will become creatures of love, not of destruction, of creativity, not of the murder, of nature, no longer of the money and the endless madness of the mind.

Einstein said we could not solve a problem in the same spirit that we created it.

That is like me saying you cannot find your living heart by killing it forever more.

And the mind is a killer, it is a social, positive, rational killer that keeps us forever dark and sad, and thus is the world, a place of sadness and of darkness and a kingdom of death.

If only we would choose the straight way home, the pure connection to the heart, and we would keep ourselves from killing it, our love, our compassion, our most tender feelings and emotions, would we not know joy?

But first the devil kills our love, and then it says it will let it live again if… and if… and if…

And the fear is in command, and we, who long to be free and shine, keep on bowing, and we keep on slaving, and we believe there will be love and freedom in the end.

But we will die bowing, and we will die as slaves, when we never stand up to the shadow, to the demon, to the devil, to death itself.

O how we must cherish our hearts, how we must love ourselves and our neighbors, how we should let the insects fly and the bees hum marvelously in our backyards.

How we must look at our Mother with gratitude, with amazement, with admiration and with love. How beautiful She is. And how She connects us all, in celebration, in colors, in scents, in music.

In love.

In a never dying endless growth and sacrifice.

There is nothing she will not do to fulfill our hearts.

But when She’s dead, She’s dead. And we are doing our civilized, rational and positive best to make her so.

Do we not know ourselves?

Do we not know of death within?

Have there not been wise men and teachers, who spoke of the devil, who spoke of the divine, who showed us love?

What have we forgotten?

What have we left behind?