Fair play

I was born with a sick stomach and a hell of a temper.

It is strange that in my meditations of lately, I have been, while being fully relaxed and sitting still, experiencing these shocks where my abs suddenly powerfully contract and my hips turn upwards at the front. It is like a shock, and the feeling is like I am trying to swallow something purely with my belly.

The emotion accompanying these spontaneous contractions is grief, sadness, and a lot of protest.

The image and situation that comes to mind is that of a samurai, being asked/forced to commit seppuku. You know, the situation where a samurai plunges a knife into his own gut in order for his family to remain safe and respected as being lawful and abiding citizens of the shogun’s empire.

It was supposed to be an honorable death, yet it makes me puke, this whole vision and situation that comes to mind.

On a perhaps humorous note, it is like I walked out of a life of slashing and slaying and throwing my sword around, right into this body where I still have the same impulses. I sometimes just want to hack and slash the hell out of everybody, holding my sword and slaying them all to pieces.

You know, with a lot of blood and flesh being cut and torn open.

It is like I still am that samurai.

Nothing changed.

And I still have not gotten over the demand for seppuku.

To me, my heart says that I should fight with all I have, with all the power and energy, with all the rage, with all the death-defying rush and intensity. I should be quicker than a snake and stronger than steel. I should move without mercy, without thought, without the thought of death, of losing, of hurting myself. I should be focused and flowing, I should be a whirlwind, a tornado rushing through, leaving nothing but destruction when I am done.

I am focused, when I think of battle.

I am totally relentless, and I am strong and without a doubt or a trace of fear.

There is only one thing on my mind, blowing through the enemies and standing with my back to their dead or mourning bodies in that space that is free for me to stand in at the end of their gathering. Blowing through them, like a whirlwind.

So when I think of maybe having been that kind of samurai before, I feel a big dispute concerning the act of taking my own life, just because someone who is supposed to be my boss or my superior asks me to. In a way, it is blackmail, because I am facing opponents of my own strength who are standing by to kill me and my loved ones should I refuse. In a way it is too much to say all the things I want to object.

I have fought like a lion my whole life, and now I should die like a sheep?

Even a sheep would put up a fight, but a fierce warrior like me should just bend his head and take defeat without even so much as a word of protest.

It is just something that stirs up a lot of disagreement and conflict. It just isn’t right. But I guess, maybe, for all I know if past lives are real, at the time I just let it all be and took my life like my culture prescribed and asked of me.

I would argue later.

And I guess now is later.

So here’s my argument.

For one, it just doesn’t feel right, being asked to die like a worm, when you are a fuckin’ tyrannosaur.

But I still can’t solve the conflict.

What if the samurai didn’t have a master?

They would just be bullies, roaming around slashing and slaying peasants. They would just be criminals.

On the other hand, serving their lord and master, they act like a kind of police force. They have a rationale. They have, what psychoanalysis would call, an alienation, they have a mirror, the mirror of their super ego command, that gives direction and rationale to their brutal aggression.

I have compared the police to the ego before, suppressing and oppressing the life force of the nation, the soul of the country, the common man.

The law, which they impose, is like the symbolic in psychoanalysis, the command and logic of the program that they uphold. At least, they uphold the people to the law. Because it seems they themselves do break it sometimes, with some far going degree of impunity.

But who am I to criticize the police, having been a samurai myself?

So the samurai, the police, they are nothing but the death of the common man. And the common man had their revolutionary forces too. These were the ninja.

The ninja were families of peasants that trained in secret family traditions, seeking to exert and execute acts of sabotage. They tried to impose a few blows to the establishment.

Perhaps I should have met a ninja that was stronger than me, then I could have truly died with honor. In a fair battle and a square confrontation.

So, the ninja, these days, I side with them. I think oppression is wrong, whatever the law, and I think there should be no politics and there should be no death of the soul.

I think life should move freely.

But then again, what if there were only the ninja? Would they not become like samurai without a shogun themselves? Would they not start to abuse their power and bully their peers around just for having a sword and knowing how to use it?

Would they remain a force for the good?

See, it’s difficult, because then, you would wish for some samurai, to impose lawfulness and order. You would dream of some criminals to fight the crime. It is the dream of Avalon, a peaceful kingdom ruled by a just and kind king Arthur.

It is still something I cannot get out of.

It is a reasoning I cannot end in satisfaction.

So my orientation is toward anarchy.

Don’t tell me what to do.

And perhaps, having been this samurai, being told to slash himself because the other is ‘the master’, I fully and totally despise authority. At least show me you are stronger, at least let’s have a stag party where you show me I have to listen. At least let it be natural.

But to order me around, just because maybe you are wearing some toga and a hat, or because you sit there with a hammer in your hand calling for silence and obedience, I don’t know, something inside me protests, and it is something deep. And I believe it is rational.

If you want to be the stronger man, prove it.

Let’s fight.

But on the other hand, I am a man of peace. I am a simple man. I will bow when I need to, but I do think I have the right to stand up and speak for my case. I believe I should get a chance, I deserve a break.

So things should be up for debate. We should be able to bring our arguments, we should be able to be heard. And we should be able to win.

So now, I have developed this whole theory of enlightenment, where health is equaled to an absence of (inner) repression. No symbolico-imaginary, no ego or super ego. Just the soul.

And that is why I am an anarchist.

That is why I hate authority.

So should we go back to nature?

Isn’t it nature’s law right now, that the strongest has the last word?

When I see a police force in military costume with tanks and grenades killing off peaceful protesters, I guess you could say I should be happy. Because they are proving that they are stronger, and so, me too, I should be willing to bow and die inside.

It is fair. It is nature.

Anyway, I love nature, but I can’t stand the police.

Even though I wanted to join them when I was 18.

Even though I was following an education at a military school precisely to reach that goal.

I don’t know, I still want there to be peace and justice.

I do not want people to bully one another.

I do not like it when someone starts telling another what to do, even when he is stronger.

I believe in standing up for your rights.

I believe in fighting for your life.

So would the ninja have killed only the bad guys? The police and the shogun? And would they have returned to peaceful farming after that? Some kind of soft seppuku?

Or would they have grown into new samurai, would they have turned into a new organ of authority? Would they have made a new law to uphold?

How do you keep the peace, without oppression?

It is truly a difficult question.

In physics, scientists resort to mathematics to form their models.

In politics, I resort to psychoanalysis to form mine.

No police, no law, freedom of the soul.

A free movement.

Tai chi.

The balance itself, shifting, swirling, turning and twisting around.

Feeling.

The arm that feels the leg, the shoulder that feels the hips.

The people, that feel the people.

Communication, consideration.

The common people, doing it for themselves, doing it themselves.

Through contact, through raising their voices and being heard.

It is easy to talk of a revolution, it is easy to be a ninja when you have somebody to hate.

But what if you have to love someone?

What if you have to smile, and kiss, and embrace and hold someone in your heart?

It’s easy to hate, we are hardwired to hate.

We complain, we gossip, we put each other down. It is easy.

Love is hard.

Love takes time, love requires discipline.

Love requires silence.

Love requires patience.

Love requires pushing through, keeping the faith and letting things be.

I believe anarchy takes faith.

I believe, from the models I have formed, that it is the only way for a healthy society. No oppression. No police, no law. Just the soul, burning, longing, living, desiring, forming life in its creative passion. With all of the good intention.

I don’t know, people are terrible. People are horrible. Maybe we can’t get out of this. This shitstem.

How can you get people to love, how can you get them to talk no evil, how can you bring them to act in compassion, how can you teach them surrender, patience and all of that?

They just not like that?

You tell me, cause I don’t know.

I am a geek with only a model.

Health is no repression.

Total health is free movement.

No tensions.

Is it possible?

Or do we need the police, are we asking for the samurai, are we begging for a law?

Are we little children who need to be told what to do?

It all seems so… I don’t know.

I wish all of you wouldn’t be giving me a headache.

So for now, I will stick with my models, and if it doesn’t work out, and if the result is that it fails, and if my dreams turn out to be impossible, at least they will have looked good on paper.

Did you notice the beautiful coloring I use?

Did you see it comes from honorable traditions?

Did you see the grace and simplicity wherein such a simple model yet holds such deep and wide information?

Did you see?

I tried my best.

Now you show me.