Earth-being

Sometimes, most of the time actually, I feel frustrated in dealing with the human race. It is a deep and eternal despair that I feel, and it is only recently I have begun to understand. But understanding has only led me to consolidate and validate my feelings, and has led to even more of the same hopeless questions. The only difference is they are no longer vague, they are clearly defined ways of wondering and thinking about my conditions here as an earthling.

Let me try to tell you what it is all about.

So for most of my life, dealing with human beings such as my parents, siblings, friends and girlfriends has left me feeling desperate and full of screaming questions. It has left me in a deep depression, a tunnel that I saw no end to.

I felt very deeply that the human business was about nonsense, diversion, and never to the point. People always occupy themselves with things that are keeping them from what is really important. They distract themselves.

To use an analogy of Greta Thunberg, it would be as if their house was on fire, and they would put on the tv and sit down to watch a show. They are never where it’s at.

I always told myself it was because I was only a kid, I was a child and I didn’t know what was important to grown-ups. When I was an adult, I would surely come to understand.

But the truth is, I am now 42 and I only understand it less and less. Why are their ears not open, why are their eyes not open, why do they keep themselves deaf, dumb and blind like, compulsively? Are they afraid of the truth? Are they afraid of the facts? Have they lived in ignorance for so long that the longer they keep avoiding things, the harder it becomes to face what’s real? And should we just say: well, that’s just the way grown-ups are?

I believe I understand better now. I have studied psychoanalysis for a long time, and if I have learned one thing, it is that the human being is the only earthling with the gift of denying consciousness. Every plant, every animal, is a live and sensing being. But to the human being, there is the way of the ego.

The ego is the shadow upon our light, it is the death of our awareness, it is the stubborn murder our hearts forever suffer from.

So the ego, it makes it possible for the light not to come through. The light of the world, the divine light of awareness shines in this world through all things. Through minerals, fungi, birds and bees. It spreads itself, it flows, it pours itself out like the soul it is into the splendor of all creation.

But the ego does not like this light, it does not like the heart. It is the devil, and if there is one thing it hates, it is divinity.

So the ego looks for an alternative, a lie, a way to avoid seeing and hearing the facts, a way to deny the truth. And it is stubborn, it will never give in, unless the light in man has become so bright that it clears every corner in his being of the darkness of illusion. Until then, the darkness hides eternally comfortably in the illusions of his own shadow world. Where it lives not, and only denies life to that which is truth and being. Consciousness. Awareness. Truth. The facts. They whole playful riddle of living in reality.

I have always felt very frustrated at the responses of people toward my thoughts and feelings. The only thing that came out, was denial and aggression. If I would not consent to their view that my feelings were bullshit, they would get angry just because of what I said or felt. It could not be. It was forbidden. It needed to be put down and killed. I was a shame and a disgrace just for being the way I was.

That is the ego, that is the devil, it cannot live with what is real.

So I felt desperate, desperate for validation, for recognition of my thoughts and feelings, my views, my inner self. And I never found it. Always it was nonsense, and always they knew better. I was just stupid, I was just wrong. Just wait, until you grow up, I told myself. Then you will be just like them, and you will no longer suffer from… stupidity? Delusions? Ignorance? You will know better. You just have to learn. Be patient, soon you will become an adult, and then you will see things as everybody sees them.

But decennia have gone by, and I am still stuck with the same problem. I remain stupid and I am always wrong. Deeply wrong. I am absurd, really, I am crazy, and not only am I wrong, I am so blatantly stupid and wrong that people feel the need to criticize and like punish me all the time. They have to correct me, they have to convince me of their truths and ways.

But I believe now, that they are astray. They are full of shit. They are full of their own twists and excuses, and they deeply need to keep believing all of their illusions, or their inner logic falls apart. The logic that keeps their hypocrisy alive and intact. Functioning. If truth comes along, they can no longer function. And it makes them angry. Reality has to disappear, then their illusions can comfortably continue their existence of keeping them deaf, dumb, blind and ignorant. Comfortably asleep.

So I am desperate, so desperate, to just be acknowledged for my thoughts and feelings for once. I am forever more desperate, because they always keep breaking me down, they always keep getting angry, they keep getting upset, and they always need to tell me how wrong I am. And when I bend and bow and say: you are right, I am wrong, then they are content and they can go about their business again with a feeling of relief.

Am I a threat?

People generally do not like me. So I keep my mouth shut most of the time, because I now it will only anger them and upset them and do no good. And I tell myself: you are wrong, you are bad, just try not to exist.

So because of the ego, there is little if not none of the authentic heart shining through the human being. There is little if not no love coming out.

The only thing people know what to do with love and light is to own it, is to grasp it, is to possess it. They want to have it, not to feel it, not to be it, but to benefit from it, to simply take advantage of it. And when the time comes for them to give back, they turn away again, they shut down again, and never are they grateful, and never does anything mean anything to them.

What I am trying to say, you can please people for all eternity. You can serve them and help them and listen to them and console them and give them gifts and attention and be their best of friends giving them all your love, but when it comes to saying thanks and giving some love to you in return, it all has meant nothing to them, and no light ever does come shining through.

They only know how to get, they only know how to receive, they don’t know how to be love and light themselves.

So I have been giving all of my love to my parents, siblings, friends and girlfriends, and in the end, I have never been giving any credit for anything. Do not expect to be loved in return, cause they are people, they are humans and they are impotent as to the ways of love.

If you love your dog, chances are you will be loved back.

But if you love people, it is just a waste of energy and a waste of time.

So this is my despair, I am always wrong and whatever I do never means shit to nobody.

So I should better just not be here. I can’t do anything right. I can’t say anything right and I never get anything right. And if there is anything that comes back to me from this human race all around, it is either their being angry and upset with me, or just ignoring me and letting me rot away like I never meant a thing.

Humans are experts in denying the heart.

And I was just thinking that the earth must feel like that. Because the earth, she never gets anything back. She’s always giving and giving and giving, and people can never get enough, they can never take enough from her. But when the time comes to give some love back, it is just not possible. They refuse to love the one great being that does nothing but good to them and sustains them in every meal and breath.

Being the earth must feel like a terrible job. You have to keep giving, and never receive anything but demands for more. Me and the earth, I guess we both feel quite depleted.

And not seen, and not heard, and never acknowledged.

So I was thinking about creation, and the place of this planet within the whole. It must be shitty job to house all these earthlings, who are so into their own illusions and greed, that they do not see you, not even when you are giving all you got.

And now they have capitalism, which is just the answer for them. Living together apart. Each in his own world, no one in this one. Except for their common ground, which is need, and greed.

Is that what it’s all about.

And do we all agree on that.

Only on that?

I surely hope, when the human race will find what they are looking for, the affirmation of their endless errors and illusion, it will not be the end of the one and true reality.

So please people, try to live from the heart at least a little bit. Try to listen, try to see, and if it is even remotely possible, please try once in a while to give a little back.

For now you are just an impossible task to deal with.

With desperate regards from a depleted source.

A being knowing no better than to share his gifts.

Someone feeling very much alone in the universe.

And someone who for sure will never grow up.

Please feel sorry.

For me?